Tuesday, April 23 2013, at JFK Institut’s cafeteria, Dahlem Dorf, Berlin, 9:20 am
I haven’t written for literally 20 days, God my psychoanalysis has stayed so far behind… I’ve barely had the time, or on other days the strength, to process what is happening, to sit down, contemplate, and put it on paper. It’s so much, so fast, and I’m alone here to take it. Which is amazing, and it’s not.
I mean on other days I’m like FUCK YEA THAT’S WHAT’S LIFE BRO! But these days Ii feel weak. Not physically. I feel unimportant and needy for love, which won’t come, exactly because I look for it too much.
I don’t know if you understand.. I mean I feel good, and on days like today I do recognize how ungrateful I’m being, cuz, even with no love, shut up and take it, you’re in Berlin bitch! I don’t know, I think I don’t sleep well…
And again this is entirely unfair to you, cuz last time I wrote I’m sure I was complaining about one thing or another.. While, in fact, there have been 20 days of AWESOMENESS in between. I’ve been at school, it is amazing, I’ve met people, I’ve come close to them, some more than others, LANA happened in my life, the weather now is amazing, we go to parks so often, we do brunches on Sundays, it’s such a bliss.
If only I could stop feeling ugly, and actually enjoy myself for a minute.
Now I am at the cafeteria of the JFK (which is separate from other buildings) waiting for my class on slavery to start. Oh, yeah, here’s another thing too: I don’t eat well. Which, in combination to not sleeping well , fucks my mood completely. I mean, you can relate right? Me and food are 2 parallel concepts. When you put distance between us… I wonder how I don’t kill myself. So, fucking sun woke me up 6:30, and I decided, since I had no food at home, to start earlier and get breakfast and coffee from the station bakery. Yanni, my Latvian roommate was going to have a haircut too, and we took the train together up till Heidelberger Platz. He told me “You look good” when he saw me. I mean, trying to get out of the funk I am in, I try to appreciate everything, value everything. Maybe God sent Yan to say this, to tell me I’m not ugly. Haha..
I’ll try to write more often. God, I got lots of stories to tell you!
Bis später bitch